Alistair shakes his head. After a moment or two, he manages to say, "No."

Another long breath.

"No. I know. I'm...trying." He looks up, blinking hard. "I can put it aside. I have to, if I think about her too much I just end up like -- " A rueful twitch of a smile crosses his face, and he gestures to himself. "Well, like this. The pinnacle of dignity and usefulness."