[sandbox]

[bringspeopletogether]

Skyhold gets quieter and quieter as the days move on. It's not a complete stand-down; there's cleanup to do, stragglers to round up, the same sort of business Alistair remembers from the months after the Blight. The Thaw, as Wardens call it. Thedas is thawing again, but the fortress only grows colder for it.

He won't lie: he'd feel warmer if Kieran and Morrigan were still there.

When Cullen suggests a vacation, Alistair lights up, only to deflate slightly when he realizes they'll be "vacationing" in Orlais. There's business to attend in Val Royeaux -- not the sort of business that'll keep Cullen occupied from sunup to sundown, but enough to require an in-person visit for a week or so. On the one hand: Orlais. On the other: he can't argue that time away from Skyhold, especially in Cullen's company, will help.

...So will the cheese, probably.

(Look, as Alistair has said many a time, he is a very predictable man.)

They room at a small place in the university quarter that's downright plain for Val Royeaux. Libraries for Cullen, a cafe around the corner for both of them, limited contact with people trilling about whatever stupid, petty scandal's hit the court this week -- it could be far worse. Alistair takes to writing his letters at the cafe, usually accompanied by some flaky pastry or another.

Today, they're cheese-filled. It's hard to descend too far into a personal funk when you've got a cheese-filled pastry.

Comments

[bringspeopletogether]

"After Kinloch, you mean?"

His thumb keeps moving, slow as ever.

"Or in general?"

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen huffs a soft breath. "A few hours ago."

[bringspeopletogether]

"Ah. Right." A little sheepish. "Yes."

He leans his head against Cullen's.

"We can start there, then. With kindness during, when you need it. And most certainly after."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen slumps his shoulders, nodding a very little.

"That's -- " Weakly. "That's the biggest thing. I think."

[bringspeopletogether]

"All right." Soft. "Easy enough. I can do that."

A pause.

"Do you think you'll want -- more orders and less kindness, sometimes? Because if so we ought to think of an easy way for you to tell me." A small, crooked smile. "Otherwise I'll just be kind all the time."

Alistair always tends to default toward kindness. It's his way.

[howtoactfereldan]

It's too much to think about all at once.

Cullen makes himself keep breathing. Counts five of Alistair's heartbeats. The fog doesn't lift all the way, but -- it's a start.

"It was... fine at the beginning." Tentative. "Good, even. It only got really difficult when -- we were looking at you, taking care of you, and then all of a sudden, without any warning -- I'm just supposed to think about myself, or else -- "

A sharp breath: he wasn't making himself breathe.

He tries again. "Or else I'm not... obeying you. And that -- it's something I've got to hide from." His voice is twisting upward again. "That's when they come. I don't want -- "

[bringspeopletogether]

A soft oh of understanding.

"It's all right," he whispers. Alistair wraps his arms around Cullen's shoulders. "Keep breathing, love. You're all right."

[howtoactfereldan]

He tucks his head tight into the curve of Alistair's neck, and does his best to obey.

(Alistair is a safe guide. Courtesy of his time in the Fade, he's killed more demons than Cullen's ever even seen. Alistair loves him, and never acts from malice.

It's still very strange, feeling as though it's all right to trust anyone with any of this.)

[bringspeopletogether]

He rubs slow circles on Cullen's back. Keeps his own breathing steady, as if to set an example.





"I won't spring that on you again," he whispers at last. "I promise. There will be times when I...want to take care of you, too. But we'll talk about it first. I won't switch unless you're ready. And unless you want it."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen's calmed, some. Enough.

He nods a little, and his voice is even when he says, "That sounds good. I -- I'd like that."

[bringspeopletogether]

"We have an accord, then."

He presses a soft kiss to Cullen's hair.

[howtoactfereldan]

"Just... need a little time before leaping back into it."

That even gets a very small smile. "Work our way up to it."

[bringspeopletogether]

A quiet huff of laughter. "Yes," he agrees. "That sounds like a fine idea. It was -- rather a lot to start with immediately."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen laughs, too. "You think?"

[bringspeopletogether]

"Just a smidge." He untangles one arm long enough to hold up two fingers a centimeter apart. "A tiiiiiny bit."

He says that with the amused fondness of one who means the exact opposite.

[howtoactfereldan]

Another soft laugh, and he resettles himself more comfortably against Alistair. "Good thing we've got another chance coming up, isn't it."

[bringspeopletogether]

"Very," he murmurs against Cullen's hair, as he winds his arms back around him. "I'm looking forward to it."

[howtoactfereldan]

A little hesitant:

"We can... give it a little more time first? Just wait a bit right here?"

[bringspeopletogether]

"Of course."

A gentle squeeze.

"It's very comfy here."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen breathes out. And does the thing that isn't snuggling. Because he would never snuggle.







"That wasn't so bad, was it." Softer.

[bringspeopletogether]

"Not terribly," he murmurs in agreement. "You did well."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen snorts, loudly, stiffening. "I'd hardly call that well."

As always, the sharpest side of his tongue is reserved for his own failures.

"Choosing between cowardice by panic and cowardice by drink isn't well."

[bringspeopletogether]

"You think this was cowardice?"

He keeps his voice calm. Even. (Damn it, he'd been doing so well at not putting his foot in it.)

[howtoactfereldan]

"You don't?" Cullen retorts.

[bringspeopletogether]

"No. I don't."

He tips his head enough to look down at Cullen.

"I've some idea of how difficult this was. You did it anyway, even though it would have been far easier to just...not do it. That's no small thing, Cullen."