[sandbox]

[bringspeopletogether]

No Orlesian nobles pounded down their door to demand their hound back, so when Alistair and Cullen left Halamshiral, the newly-dubbed Gruyere happily trotted alongside their horses.

A few weeks after -- which included some quiet conversation, a few orders placed with a few merchants, and almost an entire extra pack of gifts slung over one of their mounts -- Gru just as happily trotted along as they turned for South Reach.

Years of correspondence led Alistair to build an elaborate image of Cullen's family in his mind; Mia, perhaps, more fully realized than the others, but everyone with a name and a voice to match their letters. They're...not wholly inaccurate? But Mia's definitely shorter than he expected, and one or two of the children a little louder.

(Mia's voice, however, adopts exactly the pitch he imagined it would when Alistair brings up the whole I'm-your-brother-in-law-now thing.)

It's a nice place. Just the right kind of rambunctious, with all the kids running around; just the right kind of homey.

If only Cullen weren't -- well, reacting more or less precisely how Alistair worried he'd react to the reunion.

Comments

[bringspeopletogether]

Alistair's eyes sting, abruptly. He squeezes them shut.

Words fail him for the moment; all he can do is hug Cullen tighter.

[howtoactfereldan]

"Because it's bad. Isn't it. If you're relying on her."

[bringspeopletogether]

"Cousland hasn't found anything else."

Barely audible.

"The best lead before this was -- I think a Dalish girl up north who managed to clean the taint from a fragment of glass, or something like that. But it wouldn't be enough."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen tightens his hold on Alistair; a perverse sense of calm washes over him. This was always temporary.

"Well."

Matter of fact. (Or trying for it.)

"There never was much reason to hope."

[bringspeopletogether]

"We still have time."

The lump in his throat is thickening.

"We'll enjoy as much of it as we can. Even after it starts it -- won't get bad enough to destroy me for a few months. And if Fiona won't help for my sake maybe she'll help for Cousland's."

[howtoactfereldan]

Maybe Alistair needs this. Needs to pretend. Cullen oughtn't to take that from him.

So he just nods.

[bringspeopletogether]

"I love you," he whispers. "I'll stay until the end, no matter when it comes. And -- I'm so grateful you gave this to me. Us. This."

[howtoactfereldan]

That... makes him very --

Angry. It makes Cullen angry. As though all of this was an object, a thing that will stay intact once Alistair turns his back on Cullen and descends into the ground to die alone, in pain, in the dark.

But saying so won't help anything. So instead, he nods and stays silent.

[bringspeopletogether]

So does Alistair.

It's not a comfortable silence anymore. I shouldn't have said anything. But -- they would've had to talk about this sometime, sooner rather than later.

(It's just that Cullen was so peaceful, earlier.)

[howtoactfereldan]

Not any more.

He starts to pull away. "I want a wash."

[bringspeopletogether]

Alistair lets him, but keeps a hand on Cullen's hip, light enough to shake free if he needs.

"All right." Soft; uncertain. "Do you want me to come along?"

[howtoactfereldan]

"If you'd like."

Cullen sits up, running his hands over his face.

"I don't know if there's a basin."

[bringspeopletogether]

Better than a blatant no, leave me alone.

"I think I spotted one." He tries for a smile. "Might only fit one person, but that's all right."

[howtoactfereldan]

"If you want a bath, that's fine." Tired. "I just want to get cleaned up."

[bringspeopletogether]

The smile dims. Quieter: "All right."

Alistair clambers out of bed, stretching his arms overhead.

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen swings his legs over the side, sitting on the edge, his back to Alistair.

His shoulders slump; he bows his head.

Just... a minute. He needs a minute.

[bringspeopletogether]

Walking out of the room, right after promising he'd stay, seems like a terrible idea.

Instead, as quietly as he can, he gathers their clothes and deposits them closer to their packs. He doesn't bother folding his own, but he folds Cullen's, loosely, to keep them a bit neater.




I'll stay until the end.

He remembers what Cullen asked of him earlier: refusing his Calling, when the time came, and dying in his bed like an invalid. What does he still owe the Wardens? His pride? The barest scraps of comfort he can give Cullen at the end?

What matters more: an oath he's already half-broken -- if not more -- or his husband?

(It's not even a question.)

[howtoactfereldan]

Alistair took oaths. That's just as much a part of him as Cullen's work for the Inquisition. Something to accept. To yield to.

Yielding to it -- letting go -- means he doesn't have to pretend he doesn't feel the weight of it all pressing down on him.

One breath in. And out.

[bringspeopletogether]

He should say it now before he changes his mind. Just...close his eyes and sever that last lingering tie to Weisshaupt.

And fifteen years of preparation, and acceptance, and believing in a meaningful death, and --

(A death, he thinks distantly, can still have meaning if it gives a loved one some peace. Not every death has to be in service to some grand cause.

How much is he just trying to rationalize this? How much does he truly believe?)





"When I said I'd stay until the end." Carefully; to the clothes in his hands. "I meant it."

[howtoactfereldan]

"I didn't accuse you of lying about it." Cullen wonders, idly, if he sounds as exhausted as he feels. "I don't want to fight, Alistair."

[bringspeopletogether]

"That's not what I meant."

He looks up. Say it.

"I mean -- I'm not going to the Deep Roads when it's time."

[howtoactfereldan]

That's enough to get Cullen to sit up straight, if not quite enough to get him to turn around.

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say.

[bringspeopletogether]

"I don't know how long I'd last down there. A week or two at most."

Gently, he sets Cullen's folded clothes atop his pack.

"Which is an extra week or two I wouldn't have with you, in service to -- to something I hardly believe in anymore. Darkspawn...they're like insects. They're born a hundred at a time. However many I killed wouldn't make much of a dent in things."

Alistair breathes out.

"I've already done my duty as a Warden by staving off a Blight. I think I've earned the chance to die in sunlight."

[howtoactfereldan]

When Cullen does turn to look at him, he looks... lost. Fearful.

"Don't you dare say that unless you mean it." Low, and shaky. "Unless you promise."

[bringspeopletogether]

And that look --

That's enough to firm up Alistair's resolve, banishing all his last doubts. He believes this. He believes in this.

"I mean it," he says, steadily. "I promise, Cullen."