[sandbox]

[bringspeopletogether]

No Orlesian nobles pounded down their door to demand their hound back, so when Alistair and Cullen left Halamshiral, the newly-dubbed Gruyere happily trotted alongside their horses.

A few weeks after -- which included some quiet conversation, a few orders placed with a few merchants, and almost an entire extra pack of gifts slung over one of their mounts -- Gru just as happily trotted along as they turned for South Reach.

Years of correspondence led Alistair to build an elaborate image of Cullen's family in his mind; Mia, perhaps, more fully realized than the others, but everyone with a name and a voice to match their letters. They're...not wholly inaccurate? But Mia's definitely shorter than he expected, and one or two of the children a little louder.

(Mia's voice, however, adopts exactly the pitch he imagined it would when Alistair brings up the whole I'm-your-brother-in-law-now thing.)

It's a nice place. Just the right kind of rambunctious, with all the kids running around; just the right kind of homey.

If only Cullen weren't -- well, reacting more or less precisely how Alistair worried he'd react to the reunion.

Comments

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen closes his eyes, as though to hide.

Mumbled: "Could've just said something nice about my arse. All you needed to do."

[bringspeopletogether]

"Your arse is more beautiful than a palace sculpture."

He kisses Cullen's forehead, smile going crooked.

"And I love you."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen's mouth tightens, eyes still closed.

He shouldn't protest further. It won't help.

I don't know what's wrong with me, he thinks, miserably.

(He's not particularly brave, is the thing. His integrity... well. He knows just how selfish he is, and Alistair ought to know it too. And every time Alistair brings it up -- every time -- Cullen is the one who feels like a liar.)

[bringspeopletogether]

Alistair stays quiet. Keeps running his fingers through Cullen's hair, gently.

(He wants to keep talking -- keep trying to reassure Cullen -- but it won't help.)

[howtoactfereldan]

"I need a moment." Hoarsely. "Just -- I'm stepping out for a moment. Please?"

[bringspeopletogether]

Alistair's gotten better, over the years, at schooling his disappointment quickly: catching himself before his shoulders can slump or his brow can crease up with worry.

So even though his heart clenches, all he does is nod, and let his hand drift away from Cullen's hair.

Very soft, he says, "I'll be here."

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen doesn't quite bolt out of the room -- but he doesn't linger, either, only pausing to pick up his shirt. Once he's got the door open, Alistair can hear Cullen take in a long, swift breath and let it out.

In the kitchen Cullen pours himself some water, hands trembling slightly. He drinks it in one go. He runs his fingers through his hair, making it much bigger than it ought to be.

Then he sits down beside Gru, slinging an arm over the mabari's shoulders, and absently begins to ruffle his ears.

[bringspeopletogether]

In the bedroom, Alistair rolls onto his belly, shoves both arms under the pillow, and drops his face against it. Much better to muffle the vehement, self-loathing dammit that follows.

Gru isn't sure why Cullen is out of the bedroom so soon -- usually the humans lock the door for much longer than that! -- but he's pleased with the attention: back leg thumping, he nuzzles up to Cullen and tries to lick his cheek.

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen leans his face away, muttering, "If I'm not letting Alistair do it, you can't either."

He then thinks about that and gives a depressed sigh.

[bringspeopletogether]

A sigh almost perfectly mirrored by Gru as this terrible, terrible sentence is pressed upon him. He settles for thumping his head onto Cullen's shoulder, tail wagging slowly.

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen tightens his arm around Gru, and lowers his head a little.

His pulse is slowing. He can tell. There's -- space.

Another minute. Just another minute.

[bringspeopletogether]

You'd think, Alistair finds himself musing -- uncharitably -- that Cullen accepting all of him would include accepting his kindness without running off.

As soon as he thinks it, he feels queasy with guilt. Rolling onto his side to put his back to the door, he stares at the wall, one arm hooked around his abdomen.

[howtoactfereldan]

Making very little noise, Cullen pads back into the bedroom and shuts the door.

The mattress moves as Cullen sits on it. Then he settles down, lying on his side, facing Alistair. But he doesn't touch him. Not yet.

[bringspeopletogether]

The same uncharitable, queasy thoughts hum: wouldn't it be nice if he reached for you for once, instead of you always reaching for him?

He doesn't react to Cullen's return. Even he's not sure if it's because he's obeying the thoughts or struggling so hard to ignore them.

[howtoactfereldan]

Is Alistair -- upset? Asleep?

One way to find out.

Carefully he rests a hand on Alistair's arm. "Can I...?"

[bringspeopletogether]

His eyes sting, unexpectedly. Alistair squeezes them shut.

Without a word, he takes Cullen's hand, tugging gently so he can drape Cullen's arm around himself.

[howtoactfereldan]

That's a yes, then. Cullen moves close, pressing everything against him that he can. He's got his arm over Alistair; he's also got his nose tucked up against Alistair's neck.

He breathes in, and -- once more -- lets it out slowly.

"There." Mumbled. Close to content. "Better."

[bringspeopletogether]

In spite of himself, he smiles -- a little tremulous, maybe, but still a smile.

"Good." Barely audible.

[howtoactfereldan]

Alistair is -- awfully quiet. Certainly not nearly so -- loud -- as he was before Cullen stepped out.

He lets a moment go by. Another.

"All right?" No louder.

[bringspeopletogether]

"I'm fine."

Just as quiet. No other words follow.

(That awful pit is opening beneath his breastbone again: the one that wants to beg don't leave me even when there's nothing to fear, the needy part of him he's tried so long to squash.)

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen... isn't convinced. But he's also not inclined to press Alistair on it.

Instead he kisses the back of Alistair's neck, and tightens his hold around him.

[bringspeopletogether]

The corners of his eyes tighten. He curls inward, a little, both arms covering Cullen's where it rests around his middle.

Alistair makes himself breathe.



"S'Gru all right?"

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen gives an affirmative mm.

"Sends his regards."

[bringspeopletogether]

"Good."





And then, smaller:

"You'll stay?"

[howtoactfereldan]

" -- of course." Surprised, and a little alarmed. "I just -- needed a moment. That's all. I always planned to come back. I wanted to."